Perception is a funny thing.

It would appear that I can indeed change, although I didn't think I could.

My thoughts lately haven't been clouded, my ego has been healthy, I'm launching myself personal challenges here and there and actually accomplishing them. I'm beginning to see people in a whole new light, and for once they're not complicated or intimidating or targeting me in any way. The more I go out of my way to talk to people (friends, strangers, anyone really), the more I find out that we all have the same insecurities, we all have a fear of rejection, but it's by setting those aside and being confident and straightforward that we learn about the folks that surround us. On average, people won't tell you to piss off if you say hello to them at a lineup for food (unless they should happen to be really hungry). Most of them are happy to have some light conversation, it's a nice pointless break from the always-constantly-meaningful-and-important hustle and bustle of life. You share stories, learn about your similarities, and then you part ways and may or may not ever see that person again afterwards.

And that's fine!

This may all seem very obvious to most of the people reading this (all three of you!), but it hasn't ever been obvious to me. For a very long time, and still somewhat to this day, I've had this fear of people, of breaching their boundaries and having them snap at me. It got to the point where pretty girls would smile at me with their eyes and I would instantly look away, thinking I would seem creepy if I were to be caught staring at them. Even with the people I knew and talked to on a regular basis, I would never be able to focus on having a conversation or just enjoying their company because I would constantly be paranoid and neurotic; "What do they think of me? I don't want to say something stupid...", "I said something stupid! Fuck! Let's analyze why I'm an idiot for the next 15 minutes", etc etc...

Slowly, I'm beginning to release all those inhibitions as I learn that we're all looking for the same thing in life. Some have more rigorous expectations than others, but if they're not placing them upon me, why should I place them upon myself?

This is, I think, one of the most beautiful parts of learning: being constantly frustrated at a problem that you don't understand, mulling it over and over and over, then slowly discovering a solution and feeling the iron grip on your psyche beginning to loosen. It's such a liberating experience.

Here's hoping I have many more summers like this one.

M